63 Dieting and Funny Food Jokes!

HOW DO WE KEEP SMILING WHEN TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT?

Let’s face it! Dieting can mean discipline, stress, responsibility and perseverance. It’s important to keep things lighthearted and fun in order to achieve new goals. This is the key to achieving success!

Holiday seasons can be even more challenging. Good nutrition, relaxation, laughter and exercise are so important during times when we often don’t get enough sleep and are exposed to viruses and flu.   The BEST tip is to not overeat, or overdo and keep smiling and be careful that your eyes are not bigger than your stomach (as my mother used to say).

If that didn’t make you smile, here are a few more clean food jokes to lighten the mood!

 FUNNY FOOD AND DIETING JOKES (family friendly)

1. What did the mother ghost tell the baby ghost when he ate too fast?   Stop goblin your food.
2. How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.
3. What do cats call mice on skateboards?  “Meals on Wheels.”
4. Why did you fill out a report at the “lost and found” desk? I lost my appetite.
5. What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Close the door, I’m dressing!
6. What starts with “t” ends with “t” and is filled with “t”? A teapot.
7. Why did the lady eat inside the bank?  She wanted to eat rich food.
8. What’s the worst thing about being an octopus? Having to wash your hands before dinner.
9. Why is a tomato round and red? Because if it was long and green it would be a cucumber!
10. Why did the tomato blush?  Because it saw the salad dressing!
11. What’s worse than finding a slug in your apple? Finding half a slug in your apple!
12. What did baby corn say to mommy corn?  Where’s popcorn?
13. How do you divide 20 potatoes among 6 people?  Boil them and mash them!
    
14. Why was the cucumber mad? Because it was in a pickle!
15. What bird is with you at every meal? A swallow!
16. Why do monkeys like to eat bananas? Because the bananas have appeal!
17. Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well!
18. How do you catch a monkey? Climb a tree and act like a banana!
19. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in and we’ll tell you!
20. Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!  I’m not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.
21. What did the nut say when it sneezed? Cashew!
22. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana Who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange Who? Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
    
23. What did one tomato say to the other?  You go on ahead and I’ll ketchup!
    
24. What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? “What’s eating you?”
25. Knock, knock.  Who’s there? Pecan! Pecan who? Pecan somebody your own size!
26. Why did the tin man from Oz eat artichokes?  He wanted a heart!
27. How is an ear of corn like an army? It has lots of kernels.
28. What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
29. Waitress, do you serve crabs? Of course sir. Sit down. We serve everyone.
30. What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
31. What is a lion’s favorite cheese?  Roar-quefort.
32. Which is the most religious cheese?  Swiss, because it is holy.
33. What cheese surrounds a medieval castle?  Moat-zeralla
    
34. Waiter, there’s a dead fly in my soup!  Yes, sir, it’s the boiling liquid that kills them.
35. What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
36. Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?  Because they were too corny!
    
37. Waiter, there’s a dead cockroach in my soup. Yes, mam, they aren’t very good swimmers.
38. Knock, knock.  Who’s there ! Ice cream ! Ice cream who ? Ice cream if you don’tlet me in !
39. What did the corn say when he got complimented? Aww, shucks!
40. Why did the man go into the pizza business?  He wanted to make some dough.
41. When the little boy was baking a cake why did he run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
42. Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
43. Why didn’t the obese man know he was overweight?  Because it kinda just snacked up on him!
44. How doyou catch an elephant? Hide in the grass and make a sound like a peanut!
45. Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street – Bert: “Ernie, do you want to go get some ice cream?”  Ernie:  “Sherbert.”
46. What does an aardvark like on its pizza?  Ant-chovies.
47. Why did the cabbage win the race? Because it was ahead!
48. “Waiter, will my pizza be long?” “No sir, it will be round!”
49. What is a dog’s favorite pizza? PUParonni!
50. When can a cucumber marry a hot dog? After they have a very frank relationship!
51. What’s in an astronaut’s favorite sandwich?  Launch meat.
    
52. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a’la mode.
53. How does butter play baseball? It butters up.
54. Never eat more than you can lift.–Miss Piggy
55. The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it. –Jackie Gleason
56. My wife is a light eater. As soon as it’s light, she starts to eat.–Henry Youngman
57. The best way to lose weight is to eat on the run. Literally. Eat only when running. Half the food won’t even go into your mouth.–Lisa Pedace
58. The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.–Julia Child
59. I just started the Dr. Doolittle Diet. That’s where you don’t eat food. You just talk to it.–Lisa Pedace
60. My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.–Orson Welles

The Pasta Diet

I’m starting a new program, called the Pasta Diet! The Italians have been using it for centuries. Here are the few simple steps:
a) You walka pasta da bakery.
b) You walka pasta da candy store.
c) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
d) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You Know It’s Time to Diet When

You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
You could sell shade.

 

The Corn Cob and Carrot

One day a corn cob and a carrot, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured corn cob called 911 and helped his injured carrot friend as best he was able. The injured carrot was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured corn cob, “I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through.” “The bad news is that he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life”.

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This article is written by Jean Voice Dart,  M.S. Special Education from Illinois State University.  Jean is a published author and has written hundreds of health articles as well as hosting a local television program, “Making Miracles Happen.”  She is a Registered Music Therapist, Sound Therapist, and Master Level Energetic Teacher, and is the Executive Director, founder and Health and Wellness Educator of the Monterey Bay Holistic Alliance.  The Monterey Bay Holistic Alliance is a registered 501 (c) 3  nonprofit health and wellness education organization.  For more information about  the Monterey Bay Holistic Alliance contact us or visit our website at www.montereybayholistic.com.

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